Mommy Guilt

I'm a Catholic. I thought I knew guilt. Then I became a mom and realized that Catholic guilt ain't got nothin' on mommy guilt. No matter how hard I try, I can't block it out. It started from the minute I peed on that stick and got two lines. My daughter was still a clump of cells the size of a poppy seed and already the books I purchased were telling me that everything I knew about food, exercise, beauty products, vitamins, sun exposure, travel, doctors, bodily functions, hormones, pain management, clothing, chemicals and much more- was WRONG. You read a chapter about how if you eat cold cuts your child could grow a third arm, and inevitably you are reading it while pounding a five dollar footlong. You then read that blueberries are a super food and if you're not eating them you basically aren't even trying to be a good mother, but they give you such heartburn that you burst into tears because you are already failing to provide what your baby needs. I think they should do a study to find out how much of the money spent in the baby gear industry is spent because of guilt. I bet it's a multi-billion dollar emotion. And after the baby is born, the guilt only grows. Now instead of just worrying that everything you put in your mouth is poison, you are worried about baby's needs, your household needs, your husband's needs, (insert about a million other needs here) and then waaaaay down there at the bottom of the list are your own needs. You may think that when the sleeplessness eases up, the unnecessary guilt about not being able to add hours to the day and arms to your body would go with it- but no. You are mom and the guilt never ends.


I keep trying to pinpoint a specific place of origin for it, but I think it's threefold. The books, websites, apps, magazines and TV shows show you what you "should" be doing. I think everyone does this, it's not just mommy or baby related. I know every time I watch something on the Food Network, I suddenly am appalled that we don't have a constant stream of fresh herbs on our countertops and I tell myself that I will stock up on truffle butter because it is clearly imperative in any kitchen! You're seeing what you are told is the image of perfection when you or your child doesn't measure up, it's healthy bowl of guilt for dinner. I am sooooo guilty of this. I read about food all the time. My daughter is petite and no matter how many times our doctor assures me that she is growing on her own curve and he's not worried, I still only feel relieved for about 3 minutes and then it's back to comparing different websites against the books to try and figure out why the hell some people say servings and some say tablespoons. Get together and come up with one unified system of measurement people! It's all a headache that leads back to... you guessed it.

Then there are the people around you. The people who start sentences with phrases like, "Oh you know what I do..." or "Are you <insert any topic that they feel passionately about and will only be met with total judgement if you say no or patting each other on the back if you say yes here>?" Some of these people mean well. They reflect on their child rearing days or maybe they are still "in the trenches" and they think that if they had that one little nugget of information they would have been so much happier. They want to share it. That's sort of what this blog is. It's not a bad thing. But when it is given with the implication that if you chose not to care as much about their chosen topic as they do that you are failing your child, that's when the mommy guilt is like a swipe to the knees and takes you out with one shot. It's great if your child only eats organic. It's great if you don't believe in TV or only have gender neutral toys. It's great if you are the mom who never gave your children sugar or went for a walk every day. It's great if you lost all your baby weight 6 weeks postpartum. But chances are you can't be all of those things all the time and also have time to clean yourself, your home and have a job or a date night. Somethings got to give, and you can give yourself permission to chose each given day what you are going to ignore. Today all the laundry needed to get done and my kitchen needed a deep clean, so I chose to let myself off the hook and used only baby food jars and playtime in the pack n play. Tomorrow I will chose to ignore my house. It's just reality and I will do my best to tune out the well meaning meddlers who serve up guilt in Costco sized portions.

Within those two, lies the third and most difficult of all- self imposed guilt. Sure the books may share with your the pediatrician recommended food pyramid and your neighbor may offer a friendly idea about sterilizing pacifiers. But they don't know that you are focused on nap time ritual today and that they only serve as a reminder that your child ate nothing but carbs today and your pacifiers are not so much sterilized as stuck between the couch cushions next to the Cheerios which your tot will inevitably find later and eat. That, my friends, comes from within. Sometimes advise is not dripping in subtext or judgement. Sometimes that's all you. Somewhere along the way to wanting to show that we can do anything as well as a man could we started to tell ourselves we had to be Superwoman. We ARE capable of anything. We ARE just as capable as men. I happen to think we are a lot more capable then men. I love my husband to death but he would be the first to tell you that my pain threshold is a lot higher than his and if something in our house needs to be fixed I'm the one that's going to bust out the tool box and get it done. But that doesn't mean that we have to hold ourselves up against this impossible standard of being gourmet chef, housekeeper, baby whisperer, sexy wife, organic shopper, coupon clipper, fix the toilet in high heals with a baby strapped to your chest in the ergonomically sound carrier made from earth friendly materials in a factory that would make union leaders retire. There is a reason Sesame Street taught us to cherish different types of people. I rest easier at night knowing that somewhere someone is fighting for rights I didn't even know I needed and making me aware of problems I didn't know existed. But I myself, have a To-Do list the length of my arm so for today I will make a vow. This vow will be to read about all things motherhood, but not obsess over it. To take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and do what works for me and my family. To accept that there is no right path. As long as there is love and God in my home, we are doing just fine. Everything else in moderation.

Tiny Tip #4: Formula Helper

If you have, or are going to have, or by circumstances beyond your control wind up with a formula fed baby, think about getting one of these.

You can get one on sale for a reasonable price and besides being great for cooking and baking, you can make a days worth of bottles at once in a container that has it's own spout. No mess, no fuss, quick and it takes care of all the bottles at one time.

Mommy & Me (And Mozart Too!)

So a couple of months ago I spoke to the owner of the performing arts studio where I teach voice and I mentioned that I was thinking about writing a Mommy and Me class that centered around classical music. Not only had I reached the peak of my patience for the wheels on the bus (my daughters favorite song); but I wanted her to grow up with an appreciation for classical music. I won't bore you with the statistics about the relationship between studying, playing and listening to music and math and science. However I will say that a great many people who are smarter than I am all agree that there is a great connection between them, and I knew that in a world where music and art programs are getting cut in schools left and right, it was going to be up to me to foster a love and understanding of music. She may only be 10 months old, but that was precisely the point. Every book says she can understand many words even though she may not be able to communicate with them, as well as understanding tone of voice. In other words she already understands the music of language and I want  the love of both music and language to be instilled in her from the start. Classical music is NOT just elevator music (although there is something to be said for a genre chosen to calm people in an uncomfortable situation) and somewhere along the way that's how we are taught to view it. Don't get me wrong in my house we listen to EVERYTHING. Addison dances to the Alphabet song, Justin Timberlake, Mumford & Sons, and Handel. I am in no way saying that it's classical or bust. But when every toy made for babies is singing a tune that I was tested in in a conservatory, I thought that just maybe people were looking for something that wasn't out there- something that they might not have been given themselves- exposure to classical music.

And that's how this newest baby of mine came to be! It's not a study of classical music, but rather exposure to pieces that you may have never heard and a great many you probably think Bugs Bunny wrote :-) There will be dancing, bonding, cuddling, bouncing and maybe just maybe you'll find yourself asking me at the end of class where you can find a recording of that song! ;-) Of course despite the title being Mommy & Me, Daddy, Grandma, or babysitter extraordinaire are all welcomed to be baby's partner. I hope I'll see you there! 

What was in my Hospital Bag

Hello! It's been a while since I posted because the holidays completely swallowed me whole. I'm sure you can all relate. There is more to do than any other time of the year, and yet it's the time when I feel the most pressure to cram in all the fun activities that I can into 4 short weeks. Anyway, I hope you and your family enjoyed the holiday season as much as mine did!

Now on to my hospital bag! I have seen many posts on what expectant moms should pack in their hospital bag. Lately it seems to have exploded on Pinterest and so here I am jumping on the bandwagon. But instead of just listing what was in my bag, I want to tell you what I brought because every "hospital bag post" told me to and I didn't end up needing. Here we go!

What I DID need:

1. Loofa and body wash
         Hospitals involve a lot of tubes and IV's that get taped on and when you are taking your first post baby shower you'll be glad to have a loofa to scrub the tape residue off.

2. Going home outfit
          I'm sure you've heard it 100 times but you will leave the hospital looking about 6 months pregnant. Bring comfortable clothes with you.

3. Toothbrush, toothpaste, hair brush, chap stick, hair ties, deodorant, razor and if you are feeling up to it maybe a little makeup. I wouldn't go crazy though. No need for a full face maybe some concealer for under your eyes and mascara. But honestly, if you have the energy to wash your face and hair, you'll feel perfectly happy with that.

4. Boppy
         If you're going to use a nursing pillow, and I would suggest you do, bring that with you. For some reason I didn't and I had my husband bring it the next day because I needed the help keeping her in a good position.

5. Nursing bras
        You're going to have company and those gowns don't do you any favors. They are thin, they are pretty transparent and besides giving you easy access to nurse, they are pretty worthless. That being said, I didn't get out of them until the day I left. I thought I would change into normal clothes after she was born, but I was so sore that even getting dressed seemed daunting. Besides, there are a lot of fluids happening those first few days. Baby looses her latch nursing and you get wet, she pees and poops all the time and it can leak, you are bleeding. It was just nice to have a rotation of gowns that I didn't have to wash and I didn't care about.

6. Bathrobe
        Again, you have company. This one is totally optional but if I were having a baby again tomorrow I would bring a big thick bathrobe, pants optional. :-)

7. Baby's going home outfit. Car seat (base should already be in the car), warm weather gear if it's cold.
        Here's a tip: The going home outfit my husband and I picked out for our daughter was adorable. I loved it. But I didn't realize what a pain it was to get on and off. Cute is important because this is an occasion that you will only have with this child once. It calls for cute. But don't pick something with a million snaps, buttons or zippers. Don't pick something that has no give. Basically think that when you are signing a bunch of forms for discharge and your husband is bringing the car around- leaving you with the baby who is crying and they are explaining your paperwork to you- the last thing you want is to have a beautiful outfit that looks great in the pictures on a baby that is screaming and a mommy who is now crying. We managed to calm her down, but newborn cries have a way of making everything tense and at that point if she wanted to wear a potato sack I wouldn't have given a crap what the pictures looked like. Find yourself some middle ground. Also keep in mind that newborns do NOT like the process of being dressed so the fewer the steps or items involved the better.

What I did NOT need:

1. Diapers

       It's probably a good idea to shove 1 or 2 in your bag just in case, but in reality most if not all hospitals will provide the diapers your little one needs during your stay and enough for the ride home. Save your arms and car space for the gifts you will likely get at the hospital.

2. Pillows

     Maybe it's because I'm not a pillow person. I use one and all but I'm not that into having a good pillow. But the birthing class that my husband and I took at the hospital where I gave birth suggested bringing one or two pillows with me. I didn't need it and in fact it took up a lot of room and was just one more thing my husband had to bring back down to the car the next day. 

3. Snacks

     I packed an entire second bag of snacks for both my husband and myself. I'm sure this will depend on your hospital, but a few granola bars and a water would have sufficed. Being a "what if" girl, I packed like I was stocking a bomb shelter, and again- it was just more crap to carry.

4.