Mommy Guilt

I'm a Catholic. I thought I knew guilt. Then I became a mom and realized that Catholic guilt ain't got nothin' on mommy guilt. No matter how hard I try, I can't block it out. It started from the minute I peed on that stick and got two lines. My daughter was still a clump of cells the size of a poppy seed and already the books I purchased were telling me that everything I knew about food, exercise, beauty products, vitamins, sun exposure, travel, doctors, bodily functions, hormones, pain management, clothing, chemicals and much more- was WRONG. You read a chapter about how if you eat cold cuts your child could grow a third arm, and inevitably you are reading it while pounding a five dollar footlong. You then read that blueberries are a super food and if you're not eating them you basically aren't even trying to be a good mother, but they give you such heartburn that you burst into tears because you are already failing to provide what your baby needs. I think they should do a study to find out how much of the money spent in the baby gear industry is spent because of guilt. I bet it's a multi-billion dollar emotion. And after the baby is born, the guilt only grows. Now instead of just worrying that everything you put in your mouth is poison, you are worried about baby's needs, your household needs, your husband's needs, (insert about a million other needs here) and then waaaaay down there at the bottom of the list are your own needs. You may think that when the sleeplessness eases up, the unnecessary guilt about not being able to add hours to the day and arms to your body would go with it- but no. You are mom and the guilt never ends.


I keep trying to pinpoint a specific place of origin for it, but I think it's threefold. The books, websites, apps, magazines and TV shows show you what you "should" be doing. I think everyone does this, it's not just mommy or baby related. I know every time I watch something on the Food Network, I suddenly am appalled that we don't have a constant stream of fresh herbs on our countertops and I tell myself that I will stock up on truffle butter because it is clearly imperative in any kitchen! You're seeing what you are told is the image of perfection when you or your child doesn't measure up, it's healthy bowl of guilt for dinner. I am sooooo guilty of this. I read about food all the time. My daughter is petite and no matter how many times our doctor assures me that she is growing on her own curve and he's not worried, I still only feel relieved for about 3 minutes and then it's back to comparing different websites against the books to try and figure out why the hell some people say servings and some say tablespoons. Get together and come up with one unified system of measurement people! It's all a headache that leads back to... you guessed it.

Then there are the people around you. The people who start sentences with phrases like, "Oh you know what I do..." or "Are you <insert any topic that they feel passionately about and will only be met with total judgement if you say no or patting each other on the back if you say yes here>?" Some of these people mean well. They reflect on their child rearing days or maybe they are still "in the trenches" and they think that if they had that one little nugget of information they would have been so much happier. They want to share it. That's sort of what this blog is. It's not a bad thing. But when it is given with the implication that if you chose not to care as much about their chosen topic as they do that you are failing your child, that's when the mommy guilt is like a swipe to the knees and takes you out with one shot. It's great if your child only eats organic. It's great if you don't believe in TV or only have gender neutral toys. It's great if you are the mom who never gave your children sugar or went for a walk every day. It's great if you lost all your baby weight 6 weeks postpartum. But chances are you can't be all of those things all the time and also have time to clean yourself, your home and have a job or a date night. Somethings got to give, and you can give yourself permission to chose each given day what you are going to ignore. Today all the laundry needed to get done and my kitchen needed a deep clean, so I chose to let myself off the hook and used only baby food jars and playtime in the pack n play. Tomorrow I will chose to ignore my house. It's just reality and I will do my best to tune out the well meaning meddlers who serve up guilt in Costco sized portions.

Within those two, lies the third and most difficult of all- self imposed guilt. Sure the books may share with your the pediatrician recommended food pyramid and your neighbor may offer a friendly idea about sterilizing pacifiers. But they don't know that you are focused on nap time ritual today and that they only serve as a reminder that your child ate nothing but carbs today and your pacifiers are not so much sterilized as stuck between the couch cushions next to the Cheerios which your tot will inevitably find later and eat. That, my friends, comes from within. Sometimes advise is not dripping in subtext or judgement. Sometimes that's all you. Somewhere along the way to wanting to show that we can do anything as well as a man could we started to tell ourselves we had to be Superwoman. We ARE capable of anything. We ARE just as capable as men. I happen to think we are a lot more capable then men. I love my husband to death but he would be the first to tell you that my pain threshold is a lot higher than his and if something in our house needs to be fixed I'm the one that's going to bust out the tool box and get it done. But that doesn't mean that we have to hold ourselves up against this impossible standard of being gourmet chef, housekeeper, baby whisperer, sexy wife, organic shopper, coupon clipper, fix the toilet in high heals with a baby strapped to your chest in the ergonomically sound carrier made from earth friendly materials in a factory that would make union leaders retire. There is a reason Sesame Street taught us to cherish different types of people. I rest easier at night knowing that somewhere someone is fighting for rights I didn't even know I needed and making me aware of problems I didn't know existed. But I myself, have a To-Do list the length of my arm so for today I will make a vow. This vow will be to read about all things motherhood, but not obsess over it. To take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and do what works for me and my family. To accept that there is no right path. As long as there is love and God in my home, we are doing just fine. Everything else in moderation.