Dear New Moms.

Dear New Moms,

Hi! Welcome to the sisterhood. I would like to share a couple things with you that maybe you haven't heard before, or if you have, bears repeating. You are about to understand the theory of relativity way better than Einstein ever did. The moments of your life are about to come racing at you, in slow motion. Sound confusing? It is! From the moment they put that bundle of joy in your arms, and you begin to study and memorize your child's delicate features- they change. By the time you post the pictures you took on the first day of their life to your facebook page, they already look a little different. It goes by in an instant; and yet you feel like it's been an eternity since they were born because that's how long it's been since you had any sleep! My daughter is 17 months old today, and I can't believe that she's telling me what she wants instead of crying in morse code. (BTW, if you come across any of those articles that try to describe the different types of cries, so that you can address their needs sooner- don't bother. Ya know what happens? They scream their fool heads off and you play guess and check until you either fix the problem, or come to the point where you've tried everything and anything you've ever heard babies may like- and it didn't work- so now you're going to plot your revenge on the last person who ticked you off and simultaneously question why anyone would let you go home with a baby?! Couldn't they tell in the hospital that you weren't equipped to handle this sort of thing? Relax, no one is. Babies cry, and you can too. We won't judge.)

If you plan on breastfeeding, and I encourage you to, think of it as your full-time job for at least the first 2 months. I lost my milk 8 weeks in because I was trying to do too much, and therefore letting my husband get up with her once a night to supplement. Ya know that one kid in high school health class who would ask, "Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?" Well it's not true for that, but it is true for breastfeeding. It's all consuming. And if that means that during the day you don't have the time or energy to clean your house, or host company than I am officially giving you permission to say no to visitors. Or if you are home alone and ready for some adult conversation or another set of arms, than take solace in the fact that no one expects you to have polished furniture or gourmet meals prepared. If someone asks if they can come see the baby, it is also perfectly ok to say, "Sure but let's not set an exact time. Can I call you when it's a quiet moment?" or if they ask what they can bring don't say nothing just because you are trying to be polite. Tell them what you'd like! Or maybe something like, "Anything you pick up will be fine" No one wants to be an imposition, they just happen into it. So help them, help you! You deserve any little help you can get.

You're gonna cry for no reason. You're gonna cry because you have a lot of reasons. Let it out. Pick a friend, a blog, a parent or even your spouse who will listen to you say terrible things with no judgement. Know that at some point you are going to question whether or not you should have had a child. Know that at some point you are going to resent the loud intruder in your home. Know that at some point you are going to try to reason with an infant about how unfair it is that s/he gets all his/her needs met, and you are not getting yours! Also know that everyone feels that way. That it's fleeting. That one day you'll be crazy enough to want to do this all again. Know that a shower or a nap have magical healing powers, and that even though it's still true- you are a mom- you'll feel like a person again and be ready to go back to one on this day. Because somedays being a parent is like being in a 12 step recovery program- and you just need to take it one day, hour, or minute at a time.

Oh, and shave you're legs- you'll start to remember that you used to be a woman too!

Love and Solidarity,
Jennifer

Thanks Mom

My mom has always shared stories with me about when I was little. My friends joke that the Hegmann's take out the trash and it's a story. It's something I have always love about my family, we are story tellers. We also love to give each other a hard time. So when my mom told me that she used to give me a dust cloth when I was very little and we would dance to Lionel Ritchie while polishing the living room furniture, I couldn't let it go. I joked that Kathy Lee Gifford doesn't have monopoly on the child labor market. I kid her that even in third world nations the kids get paid at least a nickel an hour, I was doing it for free! I asked for college credit for all my years of manual labor for which I was paid with "experience".

Then I had my daughter and the jokes stopped. I watch my daughter take napkins, towels, socks- anything she can grab, and try to help me clean. I watch the look on her face when I ask her to throw something in the garbage and she can follow through. The self-esteem she gets from contributing to the household and helping Mommy, is astounding. And in those moments I can't help but think, "Thanks Mom".  I never realized that when she told me that I could watch Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and then the T.V. went off, it was a gift. We danced together. We cleaned together. I learned to take pride in my home. I learned to clean up after myself. I learned that there is great satisfaction in contributing to the family success. And I got to spend time with my mom. I got to know her as a fun person and not just the person who kisses my boo boo's and fixes my dinner (although she did both of those things as well).

The older my daughter gets the more I realize that my mom was mothering me even when I didn't know. Perhaps, especially when I didn't know it. And I am grateful that she had (and has) expectations of me, even at a very young age. Because those expectations never exceeded my capabilities, and often they helped me see my capabilities for what they really are.

I know that someday my daughter, if she's anything like me, will probably make a joke about how I would wait 10 minutes for her to pick up her toys one by one and put them in the toy box when I could have done it myself in less than a minute. She will probably remind me that she and I would clean the bathroom together, each of us with our respective sponges. Maybe she will ask me if I broke any child labor laws by dusting together. And I will laugh, all the while knowing that one day she will see me through different eyes- and think, "Thanks Mom"